Lifeforce (1985)

A bunch of astronaut dudes in the future check out a planet or something and discover a fucked up alien which they of course bring back with them. Just like in Alien. The alien in Lifeforce isn't as sexy though.

She spends almost the whole flick naked. There might have been other naked aliens too, I don't know. When she gets back to Earth fucked up shit starts going down. The aliens are like vampire zombies or something and they make out with people and suck the life out of them with lightning.

Our hero is played by Steve Railsback who played Duane Barry in The X-Files. Duane Barry, the lunatic who kidnapped Scully, is more useful than this wanker.

This moment of blatant Duchovny proved controversial and sexy at the time of the episode's airing:

Anyway, in this Steve is in love with the naked alien chick. He doesn't give a fuck about the chaos that he's caused he just wants to get his dick wet. People who have been life sucked explode into dust if they don't life suck someone else. I think. Also demons. I think they hook up in the end but by now the whole world is life sucking like it's the latest craze.

Favourite: Patrick Stewart in his finest acting role. For some reason Steve forcibly makes out with him. Perhaps because of 'blue balls.' No life sucking happens but Patrick Stewart freaks out and bleeds from his face. Idiotic and amazing. I don't know.

10 Steve Railsbacks Out of 10

Maslin Beach 1997

An Adelaide classic about a bunch of morons hanging out on Australia’s first official nude beach. For some reason the beach goers are a bunch of wannabe writers, painters, poets, and faux holy men who are lovelorn and looking to mingle. 

A hippy dude plays a flute while a chick pretends to cut another chick’s pubes. A girl hooks up in front of her boring husband. People are naked a lot. The main dude almost runs over a kid and some girls while distracted by perving. 

A loser with no chemistry with the female lead whatsoever, he spends the entire flick whining to his mate (who is dressed as Hunter S. Thompson for some reason) about how he doesn’t want to be alone because he’s a sex addict. 

The cast is going strong. One lady was a teacher at my friend Jack's high school. One dude has appeared in nearly 100 things and even has an IMDb head shot. I know from stalking him on Facebook that Joshua Missen who played the little shit kid is engaged to his girlfriend now. Good luck buddy, take a look at those privacy settings. This film also features shameless product placement for Peters Drumsticks, Schweppes Cola, Farmers Union Iced Coffee and Reebok.

Favourite: Hunter S. Thompson’s fake steering wheel work in his ice cream truck. They should have actually been doing doughnuts instead of driving in a perfectly straight line. Also; this whiny little fuck.

4.5 Inches of Old Guy Dick Out of 10

Breeders (1986)

This flick is a masterpiece of bad acting and time wasting. At only 77 minutes long Breeders still features more script padding than any other film in history. Characters stare blank faced at computer monitors, 

have long phone conversations where you can’t hear what the person on the other end is saying, 

linger over the closing of doors or cupboards, walk everywhere seemingly in slow motion even when in grave danger, women disrobe in kitchens and work environments for frequent scenes of nude exercise or more phone conversations, 

girls become hypnotised and nakedly wander slowly through caverns, factories and hospital corridors, when looking for something characters absent-mindedly look around at the roof, walls and floor chewing up as much screen time as possible. Some of film’s most ridiculously over the top screams feature. 

Other than this, some women in NYC are being raped by a fucked up monster and monsters get birthed out of dude’s bodies, maybe. They then become orgy slaves for the aliens or whatever. Brilliant.

Favourite: Gormless detective in charge of the case who does absolutely nothing to solve the crimes. He expressionlessly listens to other people, faces monsters without emotion and even admits to the mother of a victim that he has no idea how to solve the crime and was asking her for help. Incompetent and hilarious.

10 Gratuitous Butt Shots Out of 10

Necronomicon AKA H.P. Lovecraft's: Necronomicon AKA Necronomicon: Book of the Dead AKA Necronomicon: To Hell and Back (1993)

Jeffrey Combs as H.P. reads us stories about characters reading each other stories about fucked up attempts to raise the dead. Don’t fuck around with that shit. Utterly confusing. I have no idea what happened really. Some fucked up shit went down. Killer special effects.

Favourite: Dude melting.

7 Walking Stick Swords Out of 10

Society (1989)

A cavalcade of yuppie teen angst, playing detective, long looks, perving, beach hijinks, running for class president, hair eating and looking All-American opens this classic. 

Many of the main male cast members possess the same haircut which is constantly confusing. You can’t tell them apart. A woman in her late 40s plays the lead dude’s girlfriend which is even more perplexing.  The usual gormless extras surround the leads, reacting indifferently to shocking moments. The main kid (Billy Warlock) rocks giant hair and is upset to discover his parents and sister are fucking each other. His menopausal girlfriend is angry she isn’t invited to the orgies. The whole time rich cunts were just fucking with his life and then they have the craziest orgy to feast on Billy Warlock (Bill Whitney is his character’s name) and his mate he thought was dead and to melt their junk together. The special effects are disgusting. Awesome.

Favourite: Dude checking out his sister in the shower and thinking her tits are on her back. Then she’s shocked when he opens the door even though you find out later she wants to fuck him. What?

10 Guys with Faces for Assholes Out of 10